Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPE can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFT will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPE once, SHAFT twice and SCREW as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPE can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Eamings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFT or SCREW any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPE and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.